Auto Incorrect
by Sunstorm of ThunderClan
Summary: The Harry Potter gang get new phones, then have fun with autocorrect feature. All autocorrects came from
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, I'm J.K Rowling, and I do own Harry Potter. It's all MINE and no one can take it away from me! Seriously though, if I owned Harry Potter, Fred, Remus, Sirius, Tonks, Cedric, and Dumbledore would not be dead. Neither would Harry's parents. Hermione would be with anyone but Ron. As much as I love Ron, I just can't see him with Hermione. Voldemort would be good and he'd still be Tom Riddle, and everyone would live happily after after. Since none of that is happening, clearly I don't own them.**

**Anyway, the basic plot of this is that the Ministry decided that using phones would be more efficient than owls.**

0000

**Fred W**

_Wanna play Quidditch with us, little bro? Or are you afraid we'll embarass you?_

**Ron W**

_Kiss my ascot_

**Ron W**

_*ass_

**0000**

**Molly W**

_Ron, dear, your lung is in the fridge._

**Ron W**

_Sorry, Mum, I don't think that's mine_

**Molly W**

_Oh dear, your lunch is in the fridge_

**Ron W**

_Haha, much better, Mum._

**0000**

**Ginny W**

_So? Spill about your date! How was it?_

**Hermione G**

_It was ok, not great. He did bring me a bouquet of fingernails though._

**Ginny W**

_Fingernails? He sounds like a real keeper, Hermione._

**Hermione G**

_Ugh, flowers. Remind me why we needed to use these stupid phones again?_

**0000**

**Ginny W**

_When are you leaving?_

**Harry P**

_In 5 minutes._

**Ginny W**

_Ok_

**Harry P**

_Do you need anything?_

**Ginny W**

_Justice_

**Harry P**

_What?_

**Ginny W**

_Oh this stupid phone! I meant just you._

**0000**

**Charlie W**

_Mum asked me to give you some of the werewolf soup she made. Are you home?_

**Bill W**

_Only if that soup is made with Fenrir Greyback._

**Charlie W**

_What?_

**Bill W**

_Read your last text._

**Charlie W**

_Ugh, piece of shot phone. I'm gonna feed it to the dragons when I get back! I honestly meant wedding soup. Mum wanted to make it for your wedding, but didn't have enough time._

**Bill W**

_Well, like the Muggles always say, better late than neutered._

**Charlie W**

_Um, I don't think that's how it goes._

**Bill W**

_Hmm, I wonder what Mum would say if I reheated the soup, only with an extra ingredient in it._

**Charlie W**

_Mmm, iPhone soup, lol. You'll have to invite me over for that. I'll even contribute mine._

**0000**

**Ron W**

_Fred, did you take my Chudley Cannons picture?_

**Fred W**

_Now why would I do something like that? :)_

**Ron W**

_Gee, let me count the ways. Did you or did you not take it?_

**Fred W**

_Honestly, I expected you to realize it a long time ago. You're getting slow, Ronniekins._

**Ron W**

_I'm coming over to tickle your ass._

**Fred W**

_You're going to do what now?_

**Ron W**

_DUCK! I'm gonna kick your ass!_

**Fred W**

_You're not getting anywhere near my ass._

**0000**

**Hermione G**

_Hey, thanks for helping me out the other day._

**Sirius B**

_You're welcome. Pleasure to be at your cervix. :)_

**Hermione G**

_Um... what?_

**Sirius B**

_Your cervix._

**Hermione G**

_I'm still not following you, Sirius._

**Sirius B**

_Why the hell did the Ministry think this was a good idea? _

**0000**

**Sirius B**

_So, you gonna marry her?_

**James P**

_Without a doubt. I love Lily so much. She makes me wanna be a better mannequin._

**0000**

**Ginny W **

_Ugh, Michael keeps cracking his knuckles. It's driving me insane!_

**Hermione G**

_I'm glad Seamus doesn't do that. However, he's always eating off my platypus. Probably thinks it's cute._

**Ginny W**

_Hmmm, I can see why that would be troubling._

**Hermione G**

_Oh dear lord. I meant plate. I do not own a platypus, and if I did, I would not eat off of it._

**0000**

**Harry P**

_Hey, Ron, do you want to play Quidditch?_

**Ron W**

_Do I want to play Quidditch? Think of who you're galloping to. Of course I want to play Quidditch._

**Harry P**

_I gallop to no one. :)_

**Ron W **

_I have a suggestion. How about we use our phones as Bludgers?_

**0000**

**Draco M**

_Ugh, I'm sitting with Mother while she gets new robes. Cannot think of anything worse. Can you come rescue me? _

**Blaise Z**

_I'm on my warthog._

**Draco M**

_When did you get a warthog? And why are you sitting on it?_

**Blaise Z**

_On my WAY. Bloody phone. These damn things are more trouble than they're worth._


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's another chapter of Auto Incorrect. I hope you enjoy it.**

**Disclaimer: No, I do not own Harry Potter. Last I checked, my name was not J.K Rowling, as much as I want it to be.**

**0000**

**Harry P**

_Congratulations, Hermione. I hope you're happy. Teddy now believes that I'm Lord Goldsmith._

**Harry P**

_*Lord Volcanoes_

**Hermione G**

_Sorry, I don't know who you're talking about. :)_

**Harry P**

_Yeah, you do know what I'm talking about, Hermione. My bloody phone won't let me type his name. You-know-who._

**Hermione G**

_Oh, you-know-who. Of course I know who he is_.

**0000**

**George W**

_Is Mum back yet?_

**Ginny W**

_Yes, and she's in a bad monogamy._

**George W**

_What? What does that mean?_

**Ginny W**

_Sorry, I wrote mooood. My phone does not like that word apparently._

**0000**

**Tonks**

_Hey, Hermione, thanks for coming over and helping with Teddy._

**Hermione G**

_My polyester._

**Hermione G**

_Erm, pleasure._

**Tonks**

_Haha, polyester is much better._

**0000**

**Hermione G**

_Ronald, exactly what did you eat last night?_

**Ron W**

_A hamburger and frowns. Why?_

**Hermione G**

_Um, you might want to reread that._

**Ron W**

_Grrr, I meant fries! Why can't we go back to using owls?_

**Hermione G**

_The missionary said these are more efficient._

**Hermione G**

_Hmmm, the *Minister._

**Ron W**

_Haha, I take back what I said. I love these phones._

**0000**

**Ginny W**

_Hey, I'm making oatmeal. Any of you want any?_

**Bill W**

_I'll take some._

**Charlie W**

_I'll definetly take some. I'm starved._

**Percy W**

_No thank you, I already ate someone_.

**Ginny W**

_Wow, Percy. Didn't know you were into cannabilism, :)_

**Percy W**

_I already ate *something._

**Fred W**

_Don't touch the brown bottle. It's not honey._

**Ginny W**

_Charlie, Bill, what do you guys want in your oatmeal?_

**Charle W**

_Just brown sugar for me._

**Bill W**

_Maple syrup and brown silence in mine, please._

**Ginny W**

_Um, what?_

**Bill W**

_Sugar. Don't know how that got autocorrected._

**0000**

**Ron W**

_You rock my Wurlitzer!_

**Harry P**

_What in the world is a Wurlitzer?_

**Ron W**

_I don't know. But, this text wasn't meant for you._

**0000**

**Ginny W**

_Why did you let me eat so much? I'm stuffed._

**Hermione G**

_Was that meant for me?_

**Ginny W**

_No. It was supposed to go to Harry. _

**Hermione G**

_Oh. What did you eat?_

**Ginny W**

_Oh, just about ten pounds of arabs._

**Hermione G**

_Arabs? Are you trying to be funny?_

**Ginny W**

_Shot. I meant crabs._

**0000**

**Seamus F**

_Hey Dean. How are you doing?_

**Dean T**

_I'm good. Haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing?_

**Seamus F**

_I'm good too. Making sure you're wet._

**Dean T**

_Nope, I'm dry right now. What kind of question is that?_

**Seamus F**

_Sorry. Making sure you're okay, not wet._

**0000**

**Hermione G**

_Blaise Zabini just asked me out. What do I say?_

**Ginny W**

_Are you mental? He's bloody gorgeous. Tell him yes!_

**Hermione G**

_I don't know if I want to eat him, though._

**Ginny W**

_Eating him would be kind of harsh wouldn't it?_

**Hermione G**

_Oh, Merlin's balls. You know what I meant._

**0000**

**Ron W**

_I broke up with Lavendar._

**Harry P**

_About time you did that._

**Ron W**

_Yeah, I got really fed up with her immaturity and flipped Pittsburgh on her._

**Harry P**

_Um... congratulations?_

**Ron W**

_Oh geez, I flipped out on her. Not Pittsburgh._

**0000**

**Hermione G**

_Can you please tell Ron that I'm not interested in dating him? He doesn't seem to be getting the hint._

**Ginny W**

_Hello, I'm his little sister. He never listens to me._

**Hermione G**

_Can you just try? He has such an ovenware with me, it can't be healthy._

**Ginny W**

_What are you talking about? Ovenware?_

**Hermione G**

_Um, obsession._

**Ginny W**

_Haha. Alright, I'll talk to him about his ovenware._

**Hermione G**

_Thanks, Ginny_

**0000**

**Ron W**

_George, I'm going to give you a black guy!_

**George W**

_Hmm, what have I done to deserve that?_

**Ron W**

_You turned my room PINK!_

**George W**

_I still don't see why you're going to give me a black guy._

**Ron W**

_A black EYE!_

**George W**

_Oh, I see. Well, you'll have to find me first._

**0000**

**Ron W**

_Hey, Gin, can I ask you something?_

**Ginny W**

_I'm trying to eat my intestines in peace! Leave me alone!_

**Ron W**

_...Ok? Why are you eating your intestines?_

**Ginny W**

_Ugh, I hate this stupid phone. I'm gonna flush it down the toilet._

**0000**

**All autocorrects came from damn you autocorrect . com **


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok, thought I'd throw in something a little different. Here's Facebook updates from different HP characters.**

0000

Bill Weasley: Fleur lives like a horseradish. I wish I could hold an intevention for her.

5 People like this.

Ron Weasley - Fleur lives like a horseradish?

Bill Weasley - Oh, good lord! No, she lives like a hoarder.

Ron Weasley - I gotta admit, I thought you were going insane, Bill.

Bill Weasley - Kick my ass, Ron.

Ron Weasley - Only if you come here. I'm not gonna do it while Fleur is around.

Bill Weasley - Oh for crying out loud. I meant lick my ass.

Ron Weasley - Not happening.

Bill Weasley - KISS my ass.

0000

Ron Weasley: Dad just bought a bladder. Mum's gonna kill him!

10 people like this.

Fred Weasley - I hate to say this...

George Weasley - But Dad already has a...

Fred Weasley - Bladder, Ickle Ronniekins. Though...

George Weasley - I gotta ask...

Fred Weasley - Where exactly would you by a bladder?

Ron Weasley - Go away. Obviously I meant a bee.

George Weasley - Dad bought a bee?

Fred Weasley - Yes, Mum sure is going to kill him.

Ron Weasley - Urgh, he bought a bowel!

Bill Weasley - Yes, that does sound like Dad. I know he's always wanted a new bowel.

Ron Weasley - He bought a car! A BWM!

Hermione Granger - I think you mean a BMW.

0000

Ginny Weasley: My date last night was soooo fun! He bought me a barfbag of flowers!

Comments

Hermione Granger - Please tell me you meant something different.

Charlie Weasley - A barfbag of flowers? Who is this guy, I'm gonna kill him for doing that.

Ginny Weasley - Ugh, please don't kill him. He gave me a bouquet of flowers, not a barfbag.


	4. Chapter 4

**Last chapter of this story. If you enjoyed it, check out my other autocorrect stories, Text Mistakes and Text Messages.**

0000

**Harry P**

_Are you awkward?_

**Ron W**

_What?_

**Harry P**

_Are you Rawls?_

**Ron W**

_Speak English, please. I can't understand you._

**Harry P**

_Duck! Are you awake?_

**Ron W**

_Well, obviously I am, Harry._

0000

**Ginny W**

_Someone's at my door, Hermione._

**Hermione G**

_...why are you telling me?_

**Ginny W**

_Well, just in case it's a Death Eater come to kill me, you'll know what happened._

**Hermione G**

_Are you watching another horror movie?_

**Ginny W**

_... No._

**Hermione G**

_Go answer the door. All the Death Eaters have been captured, remember? They're hardly about to break out of Azkaban just to kill you._

**Ginny W**

_They could. Sirius did it._

**Hermione G**

_Sirius is the exception, not the rule. Now go answer the door, it could be your parents for all you know._

**Ginny W**

_Fine. I'll go answer it, but if I turn up dead, you're to blame._

**Hermione G**

_So, who was it?_

**Hermione G**

_Ginny?_

**Hermione G**

_Are you there?_

**Ginny W**

_Yeah, sorry. It was a wizard trying to sell me intestines._

**Hermione G**

_...I see. I hope you didn't buy any._

**Ginny W**

_He was selling insurance, not intestines. I don't know why you were so scared, Hermione. I told you that the Death Eaters are either dead or in Azkaban._

**Hermione G**

_You... I... I give up._

0000

**Lavendar B**

_You ready for the weekend?_

**Parvati P**

_Definetly! Let's get circumsized!_

**Lavendar B**

_Uh, what?_

**Parvati P**

_OMG, I wrote craaaazy, not circumsized!_

**Lavendar B**

_Haha, sure, Parvati. Let's go get 'circumsized'._

0000

**Ron W**

_Hermione, I don't know how to tell you this..._

**Hermione G**

_Well, usually you use words when you tell someone something. Why don't you start with that?_

**Ron W**

_I've been talking to Mum, and she's all for me, you, and Harry living together._

**Hermione G**

_I'm sensing a but in there._

**Ron W**

_Well, she thinks you and I have too many unresolved odors._

**Hermione G**

_Excuse me?_

**Ron W**

_Issues! Issues, issues, issues! Sorry, I am not trying to imply that you stink. Why on earth must we use these phones? _

0000

**Harry P**

_I've been thinking. I want to eat my felons with you._

**Ginny W**

_You want to what?_

**Harry P**

_Oh my god, that was supposed to say I want to speak about my feeling with you._

**Ginny W**

_And what feelings are those, exactly? Better think carefully, Potter._

0000

**Molly W**

_Are you busy, Charlie?_

**Charlie W**

_No, Mum, what do you need?_

**Molly W**

_I have to go to Diagon Alley. Can you chop up some rosemary and rhyme?_

**Charlie W**

_Sure, Mum. I don't know what you mean by 'rhyme' though._

**Molly W**

_I can't wait until the Minister decides to use owls again. I meant thyme._

0000

**Oliver W**

_Hey, Perce. Have you eaten yet?_

**Percy W**

_No, I haven't._

**Oliver W**

_Come on, then. I'll buy you lung._

**Percy W**

_No thank you._

**Oliver W**

_Omg, I'm gonna kill this stupid phone. I meant lunch._

0000

**Hermione G**

_Please stop setting me up on dates! I can get a guy on my own!_

**Ginny W**

_Oh boy. What happened now?_

**Hermione G**

_My 'date' was so full of himself, I was tempted to just give him a mirror and ask if he'd like to be alone with it._

**Ginny W**

_Why didn't you if he was so bad?_

**Hermione G**

_I was about to, but then he said that he could see why I was considered uneatable, so I hexed him instead._

**Ginny W**

_Um, uneatable?_

**Hermione G**

_Clearly, I meant uneatable._

**Ginny W**

_Still not understanding you, Hermione._

**Hermione G **

_...I give up. I'm gonna stop texting on this piece of ship phone._

0000

**Harry P**

_Heard you had a bad date._

**Hermione G**

_I don't want to talk about it._

**Harry P**

_Well, I just wanted to let you know that you ate the smartest witch I know._

**Hermione G**

_Exactly who is this smartest witch that I supposedly ate?_

**Harry P**

_Oh, that's awkward. I meant you are the smartest witch._

**Hermione G**

_Uh-huh. Thanks for trying anyways._


	5. Chapter 5

**Alright, here's one more chapter. As usual, I don't own Harry Potter, or any of the characters. All corrects came from damn you autocorrect . com.**

**0000**

**Ron W**

_Ugh, my weekend has been totally shatnered! Mum grounded me._

**Hermione G**

_Excuse me?_

**Ron W**

_SHATTERED! The twins set off fireworks in the kitchen last night and Mum thinks I helped them._

**Hermione G**

_Exactly why would she think that?_

**Ron W**

_I was laughing, ok? You would have laughed too if you had seen it. I don't know how Fred and George did it, but they made their fireworks take on the shape of a dragon and it chased Mum around._

**Hermione G**

_Oh, Ronald, and you wonder why you got grounded._

0000

**Harry P**

_Hey, Ron, what are you doing?_

**Ron W**

_Nothing really. Why?_

**Harry P**

_Well, Fred and George invited me to check out one of their new products. They say it's superman's bladder and I'd prefer to have a friend with me. Just in case, you know?_

**Ron W**

_What exactly is superman's bladder?_

**Harry P**

_Ugh, they said it was super fantastic, not superman's bladder!_

**Ron W**

_Haha, yeah, I'll go with you, freak._

0000

**Hermione G**

_What did you say to Ginny? She's cryogenic!_

**Harry P**

_She's... frozen?_

**Hermione G**

_Ugh, no, she's crying._

**Harry P**

_Oh. Tell her I'm on my way with the ice cream._

0000

**Charlie W**

_Hey, just got your message. Sorry I didn't answer, my phone was insolent._

**Bill W**

_Did you ground it, lol?_

**Charlie W**

_Nope, but I'm going to drop it out of my window. I obviously meant silent. When is the Ministry of Magic going to change back to owl post?_

**Bill W**

_Oh come on! Even you have to admit that these phones can be entertaining._

0000

**Oliver W**

_I want to experience lice with you, Percy._

**Percy W**

_No thanks. Keep your lice to yourself._

**Oliver W**

_Grrr, life! I want to experience LIFE with you!_

**Percy W**

_Are you proposing to me, Oliver?_

**Oliver W**

_Yeah, is it working?_

**Percy W**

_Try it again when I get home._

0000

**Ginny W**

_I can't wait to eat your kidney tonight!_

**Hermione G**

_Gee, Ginny, I knew pregnancy gave you some weird cravings, but kidney? That's going too far, don't you think?_

**Ginny W**

_Your kimchi! Sorry, not your kidney._

0000

**Sirius B**

_Hey, you want to get something to war?_

**Remus L**

_Do I want to what?_

**Sirius B**

_Haha, do you want to get something to eat? I'm gonna go to that new restaurant that just opened up._

**Remus L**

_I'll just eat here, thanks. Enjoy your war._

0000

**Ron W**

_I am eating the most delicious neck ever!_

**Harry P**

_You're a vampire now?_

**Ron W**

_No! I meant meal!_

**Harry P**

_Haha, sure you did._

**Ron W**

_When the hell is the Ministry going to get rid of these things?_

0000

**Alright, this is the last chapter of this story. Keep an eye out though, I do like writing these autocorrect stories, so more will appear in the future.**


End file.
